Surrender, Going Churchill, and Choosing My Battles

Beneath the thick layer of mulch is a layer of ”Professional Grade” vegetation barrier cloth. Yet, despite all of this, I was out spraying for weeds yet again in the area behind our pool. It seems that no matter what I do, those weeds still manage to pop up. It is as though their roots will cling to the tiniest of specks of dirt.

So, with my trusty pump sprayer in hand, I set about once again killing weeds. I’m not surrendering to them. Instead, I’m going all Churchill on them. I will fight them in the flower beds. I will fight them in the sidewalk cracks. I will even fight them as they try to creep over the fence from the neighbor’s backyard. I will never give up… never give in.

Anyway, while back there, I noticed a collection of cherry pits beneath our cherry tree. Then, looking up, I realized that all of our beautiful cherries were gone. The tree, abundant with cherries only a week prior, had been picked clean. Not a single piece of the delicious red fruit was left behind.

No wonder all of our backyard critters have looked so happy recently!

It has been two years since Amanda convinced me to surrender those cherries to the various animals who enjoy feasting on them. Even at their ripest, they do not rival the cherries I can purchase at our local ALDI. In fact, the same can be said for our apple trees. Their bitter fruit is not a treat for us humans; but the animals seem to love it.

So, Churchill’s voice has been silenced where our fruit trees are concerned. I have chosen to stop fighting against the insurmountable number of backyard residents.

Because I stopped fighting, my attitude changed toward those pits I saw on the ground. When I saw them, instead of resenting those critters for stealing my precious fruit, I smiled. I thought about what a treat it must surely have been for them. Along with that reaction came something very dear to me. I found myself experiencing serenity. Serenity, even in the midst of my battle against those weeds.

Learning lessons such as those taught by the weeds and the cherry tree have become vital to my recovery from drug addiction. Going Churchill on my character defects is like fighting those weeds in my yard. In Steps Six and Seven, I become ready to have God remove my character defects; and then ask Him to. In turn, He is faithful to provide a spiritual principle, or principles, that I can apply when tempted to act out on a defect of character.

When He does this, God is basically telling me to Go Churchill on those defects. He gives me the weapons for the battle; but expects me to play a major role in it. Ironically, surrender plays an important role in each of these battles, as I set aside those character defects in favor of principles.

These battles are like my battle against the weeds. Weeds that want to take root in my life. Weeds, that in my case, are the drugs that once held me in their grips.

On the other hand, There are those battles that God does not want me to even attempt to fight. Chief among these battles are the ones in which I am tempted to try and change others. As with our cherry tree, I fought hard agains letting these battles go. I especially wanted to take on those people I perceived as life’s antagonists.

Thankfully, in His wisdom and grace, God showed me that these are not my battles to fight. Even better, He has helped me see that they are not antagonists at all. So, like letting go of those cherries, I let go of my perceived right to battle such folks. Again, allowing surrender to restore serenity in my life.

Have a remarkable day!

Vigilance and Dudley Do-Right

Snidley Whiplash loved to cause trouble for Dudley Do-Right, and Nell, the apple of Dudley’s eye. If I had a dime for every time Dudley saved Nell from an approaching train, I could retire comfortably. Snidley, it seemed, always thought having a train drive over Nell, who he had tied to the railroad tracks, would be a fitting way to one-up his arch enemy.

Of course, Dudley, a member of Canada’s Royal Mounted Police, always saved Nell from this terrible fate. Though Dudley is not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, he is always helped by his horse, aptly named ”Horse.” Together, with Dudley’s penchant for ”doing right,” and Horse’s ability to actually do right, the two make a great team.

Perhaps this will be the time that saving Nell from the brink of death, Dudley will finally win her favor. Or, more likely, we will have to tune in next week to see that happen.

Despite his ineptitude, there can be no doubt that Dudley’s heart is in the right place. That is why I think we all need to be a little more like him. Dudley, after all, does not wait for evil, a.k.a. Snidely Whiplash, to strike. Instead, our hero is constantly looking for opportunities to do as his name implies. Dudley lives to do right.

One of the aspects of recovery that makes it both appealing and powerful to me is that it does more than merely equip me to foil the Snidley Whiplash in my life. Of course, addiction is my Snidley. Nell, well, Nell is anything good in my life. Whether it is my relationship with God, my marriage, or my career, my personal Snidley would love to see it destroyed.

I know this to be true, because I have seen it happen once.

Regardless of how satisfying it may be to gain power over my addiction through recovery, limiting its power only to addiction has never been enough for me. I don’t want to be a version of Dudley who is in a constant holding pattern, just waiting for Snidley to lash out at Nell. There is much more to life than simply freeing a girl from the railroad tracks.

Like Dudley, I have my own ”Horse.” Horse, in my life, is represented in the spiritual principles. In the same way that Dudley’s ineptitude is countered by Horse, my own ineptitude is countered by the spiritual principles. They are my guide to doing right.

It can be easy to fall into the trap of believing that vigilance only applies to my addiction. That I can exclusively apply it to Snidley, and his next evil plot. To get more out of life, though, I need to take a different approach to vigilance. Instead of seeing it as a tool to be used against the forces of evil in my life, vigilance should be the key to doing right.

Properly applied, vigilance provides me with the ability to see ways in which to apply spiritual principles in all of my affairs. When I do so, the principles become my Horse. Together, we make a pretty good team. Together, we Do-Right.

Have a remarkable day!

Tolerance and ”Five More Minutes”

Yesterday, our family went to a nearby park that has a splash pad. We were meeting Amanda’s brother EJ and his family so that the children could all play. Shaun, who is 13, did a great job of entertaining his cousins, darting in and out of the various water sprays that are arranged around the splash pad. Meanwhile, the grown-ups were seated around a picnic table, enjoying conversation.

At one point, Coco, the middle child, came up to our table and announced that it was time to go. He can be willful at times, and when Coco thinks it is time to go, it is TIME TO GO!

While EJ didn’t want to immediately give in to Coco’s demand, he also didn’t want to ignore it. Instead, he calmly looked his son in the eye, and said that we would be leaving in ”five minutes.” After Coco had run away, Amanda exclaimed that a parent’s ”five minutes” is the reason children have so little concept of time. She was right, too.

That ”five minutes” was more like thirty; but in fairness, at one point Coco ran up to our table and EJ asked it he was ready to go. By this time, Coco had completely forgotten about leaving. He shook his head, and gave a side-eyed glance as he ran back out to be sprayed by more water.

When I first began my recovery journey, my understanding of my personal limits was even less acute than Coco’s concept of time. For instance, the contact list on my phone was filled with numbers for people with whom I had used drugs. I still had several of them among my ”friends” on social media. Even worse, I pretty regularly kept a secret stash of drugs ”just in case.”

I vividly remember the night that Amanda patiently sat next to me on a boat dock as I deleted numbers from my phone, and removed and blocked people from my social media. I did so begrudgingly, thinking that these people were actually my friends. Of course, now I fully understand the wisdom behind that exercise. These were not my friends. They were simply people who allowed themselves to be used by me in order to gain access to my drugs.

Of course, ridding myself of those ”just in case” drugs was much harder. Despite all the encouragement in the world from Amanda and others, the decision to rid myself of those was one that only I could make. It took several months, but I eventually came to realize for myself that I could no longer tolerate my hidden stash. It had to go. So did any future hidden stashes I might be tempted to acquire.

That whole process of becoming aware of what I could no longer tolerate in my life ended up being one of the most challenging things I have ever faced. Like my nephew’s failure to understand time, I had little concept of just how destructive those old contacts had been, or how strong the pull of drugs had become in my life. Surely I could tolerate just a little more, right?

Usually, when I think of practicing tolerance, I think of how my tolerance applies to others. What behaviors, character traits, or other characteristics of another person am I willing to tolerate? Just how close will I let myself get to someone whose life exhibits characteristics that I find intolerable.

Today, however, I find myself focused inwardly. I can no longer afford to be oblivious to the reasonable limits I need to set for myself. I cannot be like Coco, and his lack of a concept of time any longer. Instead, I work daily to develop a better understanding of this new way of life that God has given me. My concept of this life grows daily, as does my understanding of what I can and cannot allow into my life.

Trips to the splash pad to watch my niece and nephews play are only possible because of recovery. As long as I continue to practice the spiritual principles found in the Twelve Steps, and seek God’s will for my life, I can rest assured that I will have many such experiences. Days like yesterday prove that we do recover.

Have a remarkable day!

Perseverance – Are You Playing with a Full Deck?

Long before playing solitaire was made easy by my iPhone, I used to love playing the game with an actual deck of cards. When I was growing up, we had tv trays that were the perfect size for setting up a game. The seven stacks of cards fit the width of the tray with just the right amount of space in between. I could play for what seemed like hours.

One year, spring break came, and we were staying at home for the week. Spring in Northwest Indiana can be hit or miss, and this particular year, it was a miss. Cold rainy weather had us stuck inside for the week, so I was playing a lot of solitaire.

I was usually pretty sharp when it came to that particular game, and would win fairly regularly by clearing all the cards from my hand. That week of spring break, however, seemed particularly challenging. I played and played; but never won a hand. I could not understand what was wrong.

Undeterred, I continued to play. I was certain my luck would change. Maybe this next hand will break my losing streak.

Time has taken its toll on my memory, so I’m not exactly sure what role he played in my losing streak. The main thing I seem to recall is that my older brother John, near the end of spring break, suggested that I count the cards in my deck. Sure enough, where there should have been 52 cards, there were only 51. I had been playing all week with a card missing!

Even more embarrassing, the card that was missing was the two of diamonds. It should have been obvious to me that such a low card was not in the deck; yet I had been oblivious to its absence. Assuming John had swiped the card from the deck, I have to admit it was one of his all time best practical jokes!

Imagine the insanity of playing dozens of hands of solitaire without having all the cards in my deck. All that time, energy, and perseverance wasted.

Considering recovery as a card game, I see all too many addicts who are not playing with a full deck. Having been around some of the same addicts for several years now, it is apparent to me that we fall into three main categories: Meeting Makers, Step Workers, and New Life Livers.

I can relate to the Meeting Makers. For my first several months, that is all I was. I loved the energy at the Twelve Step meetings I was attending. Some days, I would attend as many as three meetings, morning, noon, and night. I had heard that ”Meeting Makers make it,” and desperately wanted that to be enough to carry me through. Enough to allow me to live without drugs.

Did it work? Not so much. I could stay clean for a bit of time; but always went back to using. There were a lot of cards missing from my recovery deck. Yet I stubbornly played on, expecting to win anyway.

Step Workers are a whole other breed. They more closely match my failed attempts to win at solitaire during that spring break years ago. They attend meetings. They have sponsors. They work a lot of steps; and are very vocal about it too. Yet the Step Workers seem to consistently sit in meetings complaining about being “in the grips” of their disease. Life remains a constant battle; and they have no idea why.

Step Workers’ lives are marked by lost or unfulfilling jobs, broken relationships, continued trouble with thee law, and an overall dissatisfaction with life. Their lives are full of recovery, so why aren’t they finding the serenity other people are finding through the Twelve Steps?

The New Life Livers have realized that it takes a full deck of cards for recovery from drug addiction to be of value. They have been listening to the readings at the beginning of each meeting that talk about the fact that Twelve Step recovery is ”a set of principles written so simply that we can follow them in our daily lives.” New Life Livers have come to terms with the fact that merely attending meetings and working steps is insufficient. They realize that the steps are not an end in and of themselves; but a means to an end.

New Life Livers have realized that the purpose of the Twelve Steps is to introduce the addict seeking recovery to the spiritual principles. Not only that, but they also see that it is vital that we ”practice these principles in all of our affairs.” As implied by the word ”practice,” New Life Livers don’t always get it right. I’m living proof that we fall short of the mark regularly. However, we persevere.

All I needed to have done at the beginning of that spring break to assure myself a chance of winning was to have counted the cards in my deck. It was a simple piece of the puzzle that I neglected; and that neglect sealed my fate.

In recovery, I do my very best to ”count my cards” regularly. It is a wonderful thing to be able to live life without the use of drugs; but it is even better to live an entirely new way of life. One where seeking God’s will for my life, and the power to carry it out, have truly led to a spiritual awakening, and a new way of life. It is available to us all; but we need to be playing with a full deck.

Have a remarkable day!

Positive Thinking and Training My Attitude

Have you ever said “Thank you” to an employee at a Chick-fil-A restaurant? If you have, I’ll bet you a chicken sandwich and waffle fries that the response you received was ”My pleasure.” That is because Chick-fil-A trains their employees to respond in that fashion.

In the 1970’s when Ray Crock was still at the helm of McDonald’s, one of the things you would consistently find was that the money in cash registers was neatly organized. That meant that all bills were face up, and pointed in the same direction. It also meant that any wrinkled bills were buried among the other bills in that drawer so that it would look tidy. It was such a big deal that Mr. Crock held an annual competition to see which worker within the chain was best at maintaining their cash drawer.

Even when I stop at a Casey’s convenience store just to use the bathroom, I am greeted by an employee who says ”Welcome to Casey’s.” Imagine that… I’m not here to buy anything, but I’m still welcome!

In each of these examples, employees have been trained to do things in a way that will positively affect their overall attitudes. When someone consistently says ”My pleasure” at work, that work will eventually become pleasurable. When the McDonald’s worker takes pride in their cash register, that pride will extend to other areas of their work as well. At Casey’s, I always do feel welcome because the employees there are welcoming.

As a recovering addict, one of the biggest favors I can do for myself and others, is to practice positive thinking. I know way too many recovering addicts who seem to have forgotten that ”Positive thinking” is a spiritual principle, and therefore, is to be practiced in all of our affairs. Such folks are to be pitied. Especially those who have a lot of clean time under their belts.

You know the ones. They are the people who constantly gripe about various aspects of life. Their boss is always unfair. Their significant other is always overly demanding. Life just IS NOT FAIR! Somebody please call the waaaambulance.

No, such negativity is not unique among addicts. It can be found in normal people just as easily. The difference is that for an addict, this brand of negativity can be deadly. Perpetual negativity can lead a person with years clean to throw their hands up, and walk away from recovery. Even worse perhaps, their negativity can drive a first time visitor to a meeting right back out the door. “If that’s what recovery looks like, I don’t want any part of it.”

That is why practicing positive thinking is not optional in recovery. When I do so, I find that while I may have bad moments in life, I do not have to allow them to become bad days. My attitude toward life becomes my reality. I, for one, will choose a positive reality over a negative one every time.

Have a remarkable day!

Kindness and Becoming “Plant Happy”

In the window of our dining room sit three potted plants. For months, I have been telling myself that I really need to add some fertilizer to their water. Yet, despite any good thoughts or intentions, I never did. Not until this past Sunday, that is.

On Sunday, I not only fertilized them; but I also set them up on the table and carefully removed any of the dead or dying limbs from them. By the time I had finished, I had more than enough clippings to fill a plastic grocery sack. Then, I carefully placed them back onto the window sill, and added the water and fertilizer mix.

This morning, rain and cool temperatures have me sitting in my living room instead of out on the back porch. As I sat contemplating the spiritual principle of kindness, and sipping my coffee, those plants came into view. I noticed that they seemed different somehow. Then I remembered the care I had given them a few days ago, and realized what the difference is.

Those plants are happy!

Well, ok, not technically happy; but ”plant happy.” That is to say, that after a long period of neglect, just a little bit of kindness from me has breathed new life into them.

Now that they are happy, I can see that two of them are in desperate need of larger pots. Repotting them will make for an excellent project this coming weekend. It is an excuse for Amanda and me to go shopping for new pots. She likes picking out the decorations for our home, and will enjoy the process of selecting new homes for those plants.

For the actual repotting, I can enlist Shaun’s help. He enjoys working on little projects with me; and I appreciate his help. It’s good to be able to be the kind of dad he deserves. The kind of dad I was meant to be.

With proper care, we can enjoy these plants for years to come. All because of a little kindness.

One of the interesting aspects of my recovery is the group of people with whom I mainly associate these days. If anyone had told me a few years ago that my circle of friends would consist largely of recovering drug addicts… well, I’d have said they were high! The thought of me, willingly, even purposefully associating with drug addicts of any sort, would have seemed more than a little crazy.

Yet, here we are…

I am not unique in this area. A lot of us never considered ourselves to be addicts when using. Even those who did would have been like me in that they would have found it hard to imagine a good life was possible. Especially hard to imagine would have been a good life that did not include the continued use of drugs.

Then, I showed up to a meeting, and experienced the kindness of the recovering addicts in the room. I was like one of those under-nourished plants in the window sill. I was alive; but far from thriving. The kindness I experienced was like the fertilizer I gave those plants. It caused me to sit up and pay attention to what my new friends in recovery were saying.

I still needed more, though. My life needed to be repotted. I was in desperate need of a world that was larger than the cramped and isolated life of active addiction. The drugs had stunted my growth, and prevented me from being the person God designed me to be.

My repotting came as I worked the Twelve Steps with my sponsor, and learned to practice spiritual principles that are embedded in those steps. Again, kindness played a major role in this process, as my sponsor kindly guided me through the process. He offered encouragement when I felt like no progress was being made. He also kindly helped me see the times when I was out of line with my thoughts, words, or deeds. (This is an ongoing process, as I continue working the steps, applying them to other areas of my life.)

Today, I have the privilege of sharing the same kindness I have been shown with others. This opportunity to share kindness with others is a big part of why I choose to continue associating with addicts seeking recovery. When I do, I have the opportunity to share with others, that which was so freely shared with me. It all begins with just a little kindness.

Have a remarkable day!

Selflessness – I Was Not Meant to Be a Coyote

Competition is an important part of nature. I was recently on a hike through the forest with Shaun and a group of his sixth grade peers, and our guide was talking about how all the life around us was in competition with the other living species. She talked about the trees, and how they compete with other plants for things like food, water, sunlight, and space.

Then, she talked about the various animals the filled the woods, and how they were also in competition with each other. She spoke of the delicate balance of nature, and how introducing a new predator to an environment can throw it out of balance. Likewise, removing one can also throw the environment into a tizzy.

In nature, there is little room for selflessness. Animals and plants must constantly compete if they are to survive. Failure to protect its kill can be a matter of life and death to a coyote. Therefore, there can be no room for sharing outside the pack. Any who try to horn in on the pack’s feast is likely to become dessert.

That is what is meant when recovering addicts speak of how the disease of addiction led them to live on an animalistic level. Of course, it runs deeper than mere drug abuse. This is evidenced by the fact that there are so many people for whom cunning self-centeredness consistently trumps selflessness.

In humans, this tendency toward self-centered behavior stems from our character defects. Pride and arrogance may cause one person to believe they are too good to stoop in order to help another. Fear of what the future holds can cause a person to become miserly. The list of character defects, and how they can move a person away from their own humanity goes on and on.

Thankfully, such self-centeredness is not usually all consuming in a person’s life. Healthy people are able to counter their defects of character through the practice of spiritual principles. Instead of living in constant fear of what the future holds, they learn to live with faith in the opportunities the future has to offer. Generosity replaces our miserly tendencies; and so on.

Drugs, though, short circuit my ability to practice spiritual principles. When under the influence of drugs, my obsession and compulsion to find more and more drugs quickly overtakes any thoughts of being kind or generous. I found this to be true with any drug I ever used; but with meth the process was accelerated. That drug twists my thoughts, burying me deep in a state of paranoia.

It is a terrible way of life. One that pushes all but a very few using companions out. I become that coyote.

Thankfully, the Twelve Steps reintroduced me to the spiritual principles that allow me to move from that self-centered life, back into the selfless life God intends me to live. It is a process that can only begin in earnest once I have completely stopped using drugs; and can only be sustained through complete abstinence, and a life dedicated to seeking and following God’s will.

Today, I no longer see life as a competition. Nor do I fear the future. For every one of those character defects that would try to separate me from God’s will, there is a spiritual principle that can be applied instead. Even though the diseased part of my brain that calls me back to the life of a coyote remains with me, it pales in comparison to God’s power to lift me out of that life of self-centeredness.

My ability to live a life of selflessness has become a good barometer of the intimacy of my relationship with God. It is a level of intimacy that allows me to thrive; and has brought purpose to my life. This is a life that is available to any addict seeking recovery. No one is beyond hope. So I pray for those who still live the life of a coyote, believing that they too can find relief.

Have a remarkable day!

Acceptance and Escaping Neverland

I was recently in a Twelve Step meeting in which a recovering addict began his time of sharing with the following declaration: ”I never had to steal to support my addiction.” Then, with his very next breath, he began a story of a time that he ”took” a ring from his daughter that had been her grandmother’s; and had pawned it for drugs. I saw several heads tilt to the side, just as mine had, we were all confused by his statement.

“Friend, I think you need to look up the definition of ”Steal.”

His story reminded me of the fact that the word ”Yet” has become a critical to my recovery. As John, my sponsor at the time, used to remind me as we worked through Step One in my first round of steps, ”You haven’t done that yet.”

We would speak of things like incarceration, or job loss, or even sex work; and he would remind me that addiction leads many people down these paths. At the same time, he encouraged me to look honestly at those things I had done in active addiction. The point was not to bring guilt or shame into my life. I already had plenty of those.

John’s purpose was to help me identify with my fellow addicts. Like many addicts, I was sorting through a good deal of denial about just how bad things had become in my days of using my “drug of no choice.” I was also in denial of the trajectory my life was taking when recovery interrupted my drug abuse.

The reality was that my list of ”Nevers” either qualified in the category of ”Oh yeah, I did do that;” or ”Yet.”

Though the process was taxing, and even painful at times, it was necessary. Coming to terms with the reality of my addiction brought about acceptance on several different levels. I was able to begin accepting responsibility for the things I had done in my active addiction. Accepting responsibility for the pain I had caused others was also part of this process. Most of all, though, the process allowed me to begin taking responsibility for my recovery; and the work that was ahead.

While it was easy to cock my head to the side in wonder at what my friend had shared about stealing, the fact is that I can relate to him pretty well. We are not so very different where denial is concerned. I still have times when the diseased part of my spirit wants to tell me that things were not really that bad when I was using. Or that I could probably use again now that I ”Have my act together.”

Thankfully, as I practice acceptance, I am able to identify such thoughts for what they are. They are the lies of my disease. Because of the recovery process, and the path it has me on today, I never have to listen to these lies again.

Have a remarkable day!

Gratitude through Grace and Forgiveness

One of the challenges of reflecting on past life-experiences is that I only have so many stories to tell. Sometimes, I will think of an illustration from my childhood, only to stop short from writing about it for fear of having already told that tale. This morning, although I’m pretty certain this story has been previously told, I am telling it again anyway, because it offers me a reminder of a key source of gratitude.

It was my birthday during the second grade. I had asked for a bicycle to replace the hand-me-down bike I had been riding. It was a great bike, having previously belonged to my Uncle Bill; but it was much too big for me to ride well. So, I had asked for a smaller, newer looking model. One with raised handlebars and a banana seat.

Oh, I could not wait!

So I didn’t. Late the night before my birthday, while everyone was asleep, I decided to sneak a peak at my present. I had heard some commotion while I was in bed, and knew that Mom and Dad had brought it up to their bedroom. So, once I was certain they were asleep, I went to sneak into their room to see my new bike for myself.

Their door was locked, but that didn’t matter. I inserted one of the thin pieces of metal used as a key for our house’s doors, and turned the knob.

The next evening, sometime around the time to blow out candles on my birthday cake, I could not take it anymore. I broke down crying, and admitted what I had done. I felt horrible for what I had done. I had broken the rules, and then lied to cover up my offense. These things went against my nature, and had darkened what should have been a wonderful day.

Instead of gratitude, all I could feel was guilt and shame.

Of course Mom and Dad forgave me. In fact, I don’t think they ever even mentioned the event again. Because of that, I was able to go on to enjoy plenty of adventures on that bicycle. It was perfect!

Through their forgiveness, I experienced restoration. Their love covered over those feelings of guilt and shame.

Many addicts describe something called a ”Pink Cloud” that occurs shortly after getting clean. It is a euphoric feeling that comes to many when the ill-effects of drugs begin to exit the body and mind. I never experienced a ”Pink Cloud” in my recovery. At the time, I felt as though I was missing out; but have since changed my mind where this is concerned.

Instead of some euphoric feeling sweeping over me, when I first attempted to get clean, life did not come to a stop. After inpatient rehab, I went right back to a demanding career. I was dealing with a messy, and at times, ugly divorce. Only making matters worse, I was wrestling with depression and anxiety that at times were paralyzing.

Any clouds in my life were dark gray… never pink.

Once i had begun to address my mental health issues, I was able to begin working the Twelve Steps. When I arrived at Step Two, I eventually became convinced that God could restore me to sanity. Of course, first I had to come to terms with the fact that my life had been insane; but once that was done, I could see a way through the pain I was experiencing.

When Step Three came, I made the decision to turn my will and my life over to God. Thus began my return to sanity. It was very much like that moment at the table during my birthday celebration decades earlier. The guilt and shame of the life I had lived while abusing drugs was too much for me to bear.

I don’t think riding my bicycle would ever have been quite as enjoyable had I failed to come clean about sneaking into Mom and Dad’s room that night. In the same way, I feel strongly that my recovery would be much less freeing had I not experienced those dark days of guilt and shame. In His grace, God allowed me to experience those days, so that when my opportunity for redemption came, I would grasp just how significant it was.

Those dark days helped to restore the conscience that had once made lying and cheating so hard for me. Through working the steps, God has restored me to sanity; while also restoring my moral character. As I continue to seek His will for my life, if find that my life is filled with gratitude.

Have a remarkable day!

Surrender on Training Wheels

Learning to ride a bicycle on our gravel driveway was filled with challenges. Perhaps the most challenging of those was the threat of falling down. There is nothing like the thought of taking a spill onto a good old gravel road to put the fear of God into a young child.

There is, of course, an age-old solution to learning to ride a bicycle – training wheels. If my memory serves me correctly, my very first bike was a hand-me-down Schwinn that had once belonged to my Uncle Bill. It was a blue beauty of a bike, and must have weighed 500 pounds. So of course the 60 pound version of Kent was perfectly fitted to that beast of a bike.

Fortunately, Mom and Dad had a great solution. With the seat lowered all the way, and training wheels installed on either side of the rear tire, I could safely maneuver that bike; even on our gravel driveway.

Sometimes peer pressure is a good thing for a child. In the case of those training wheels, the pressure was on to remove them. The neighbor boys didn’t need them, so why should I? Despite the pressure, I feared letting go of those training wheels. The bloodied palms and knees that one fall meant were threat enough to allow me to resist removing them.

Of course, besides the peer pressure, there was another reason to give up my training wheels. They made riding the bike even that much more of a chore. Each time one of them tried to roll over a chunk of gravel, it was like trying to pedal with the brakes applied. My poor spaghetti noodle legs were already stressed enough by trying to pedal those 500 pounds down the drive. Training wheels only made things worse.

Finally, with encouragement from Mom and Dad, I agreed to have one of the training wheels removed. They assured me that if I began to feel like I was about to fall, I could simply lean to the side with the remaining wheel, and all would be well. In theory, their point was sound. However, it still took a few spills before I got the hang of leaning to the side of the bike with the remaining training wheel.

In time, I found myself growing in skill and confidence. I was depending less and less on that single training wheel. It was time for it to come off. Time for the sense of balance that had been developing in me over the preceding months to take charge. Time for young Kent to experience the freedom that comes from truly riding a bicycle!

In the case of that big old bicycle, when I surrendered those training wheels in exchange for placing trust in the sense of balance my body had developed, riding became easier and more pleasurable. When people decide to put aside drugs in an effort to get clean, I usually see one of two different scenarios take place.

On the one hand, I will see a person surrender drugs, and begin to attend recovery meetings and events. They will immerse themselves in fellowship with other recovering addicts; and, as a result, begin to see changes in life. Eventually, though, despite their zeal and enthusiasm, such folks find themselves falling. It is like the initial excitement that comes with riding a bike for the very first time, followed by the panicked knowledge that one is riding a bike for the very first time. CRASH!

Some will wipe themselves off, and try again. All too many, however, come to the tragic conclusion that recovery must just not work for them. All that zeal and enthusiasm evaporates, replaced with an even deeper dive into active addiction.

Then, on the other hand, there is the person who stops using drugs, and does more than merely attending meetings and events. With the help of others, they put on recovery’s training wheels by getting a sponsor, and working steps with that sponsor. They pray and meditate. They don’t use drugs, just for today, no matter what.

This person is developing balance in their life much like the balance that comes with using training wheels. They discover that spiritual principles are the source of that balance, and as they work the steps, they learn how to replace acting out on character defects with applying principles to life.

Having surrendered those old character defects in exchange for living by spiritual principles, even the roughest roads become maneuverable. Unlike a bike, however, the ”training wheels” of recovery are not designed to be removed. Rather than holding back the recovering addict with significant clean time, they continue to be indispensable.

I can speak from experience of both people in this illustration. For my first several months ”in recovery,” I was really just attending meetings and social events. I had a sponsor in name only, and did not work any steps. Prayer and meditation were given only a passing glance. As a result, I fell, time after time.

By the time of my last fall, I was ready to give up on recovery. I had decided that it simply was not for me.

Thankfully, Amanda talked me into giving recovery a genuine chance to work in my life. So, I got a new sponsor, and began working steps. I began praying and meditating each day. The result was that I began to develop that sense of balance in life. With each step worked, I discovered new ways to trade in character defects in exchange for spiritual principles. Surrender was having an undeniable impact on my life.

Surrender still impacts my life each day. As I actively seek to surrender my will in exchange for God’s will for my life, I find that I am very rarely on one of those rocky roads. When I am, however, I am equipped to navigate it successfully.

Have a remarkable day!