Unconditional Love – No Fangirling Allowed

Yesterday, I completed conducting annual appraisals for members of my team. It is a process that is necessary (company policy), and designed to help each of us grow professionally. There are four rankings, either one or two “-“ signs, or one or two “+” signs. There is no real middle ground. The rankings are used in 15 different categories per person.

As you might imagine, sometimes the process gets a little awkward. I am fortunate in that I did not have to give out any double negative scores. What negative scores were given were used sparingly and with good examples to back up their use.

Sometimes, though, it was the double-plus rating that caused the most awkwardness. I had never considered how it would feel to sit before someone who was my peer last year, and tell them how awesome I think they are doing now that I’m their manager. I even joked with one of them that an outsider might accuse me of “fangirling”. (He had no idea what that meant. I guess its a phrase I picked up from Amanda!)

Anyway, I’m glad appraisals are behind us. Now I can focus all my attention on next year’s budget! Yay!

Seriously, though, this process has reminded me of how important it is to provide honest feedback. Whether that feedback comes in the form of “We really need to work on this area in the coming year,” or “You are doing great, please keep it up,” I need feedback if I am to grow. It is vital not just at work, but in everyday life too.

In recovery, we talk a lot about placing principles before personalities. It is a wonderful goal, but boy is it hard to achieve. Some people just make it difficult to see beyond personality. Ironically, given my own personality, I’m sure there are plenty of people who find it difficult to see past it to my character. I have opinions, and I’m not afraid to share them… insistently… persistently… and with a lot of passion.

So, yes, I’m sure there are times when people around me would score my personality as a double negative. I’m working on becoming kinder and gentler, but it is a slow process.

Today’s principle of unconditional love reminds me that regardless of any score or personality conflict, my life and actions must be guided by love. At work, I need to treat the person who scored a negative with as much kindness and respect as the person whose appraisal was filled with ++s. Likewise, I need to love those people i everyday life I find difficult to love.

“Why?” you ask. Because that is how God loves them. As much as I would love to think I am some kind of special snowflake who has earned more of God’s love than someone else, I know I am not. In fact, I know that I have not earned God’s love at all.

Though He may have been heartbroken by the times in my life that I was earning all double negatives for the choices I made, God never stopped loving me. That is the nature of unconditional love, and today, I seek God’s help in becoming a little more like Him. Help me to love unconditionally, and without paying attention to any score I might try to give to others.

Have a remarkable day!

Positive Thinking and Family Trees

Yesterday, we had a most interesting meal. Members of our family came together to celebrate Shaun’s 15th birthday at a local chicken restaurant. Shaun is a huge fan of their chicken tenders, and was the one to choose the venue.

There were 15 of us in all: Amanda’s brother, his wife and their four children; Amanda’s daughter, and her adoptive parents; Shaun’s paternal grandparents; and his biological dad, Big Shaun. You want to talk about a genealogical challenge… just image drawing that family tree!

Complex as it is, we make it all work out really well. Big Shaun and I sat across from each other, chatting and occasionally teasing Amanda about her questionable taste in men. My niece Sophia was all about sitting between Shaun and his sister Milly. Then there was Sharise, proudly introducing her newborn baby to the entire crew.

Despite the fact that yesterday’s invitation list had all the makings of an explosive event, there was nothing but joy and laughter. When we all sang “Happy Birthday” to Shaun, the entire place was filled with our voices. Voices of people who, over that past several years, have made a conscious choice to make the very best of complex relationships, and difficult situations.

It is interesting to me how important the word “Choice” has become in my life. Before coming to terms with the fact that I am a drug addict, I would look at other addicts and find myself amazed by their choices. Mine was among the voices declaring that all an addict needed to do was to stop using drugs. It seemed like such a simple and obvious choice.

Imagine my shock at learning that choice vanishes with that first drug. That is the point at which positive thinking becomes absolutely powerless in my life. It is there that my thoughts and my choices are dictated by the drugs I seemingly cannot live without.

As grim as that sounds (and it is), it was at my lowest point that God reached me with the message of recovery through working the Twelve Steps. As my mind cleared, my ability to make sound choices improved. However, just because I had a clearer mind did not mean good choices or positive thoughts would automatically follow. I discovered that positive thoughts begat good choices, which in turn begat more positive thoughts.

In the same way that our incredibly blended and complex family somehow works, God has allowed my mind to begin working once again. He has taken my twisted and sordid past, and allowed a healthy life to emerge. A life that is filled with choices made better by one single most important positive thought – God is able!

Have a remarkable day!

Forgiveness – Making Room for the Good Things in Life

“Who gives this woman to be wed in holy matrimony?”

“Her mother and I do.”

Thus began our friend’s wedding a couple of weeks ago. Oh, it was a beautiful event. The setting – perfect. The flowers – perfect. Everything and everyone present enjoyed celebrating the marriage of this couple.

While some would shudder at the thought of the father of the bride giving her away (ugh, the patriarchy!), the sentiment was beautiful. Though perhaps rooted in the idea that daughters were property to be given away to secure land or title, on that day, giving the bride away meant that her parents were trusting her groom to love her every bit as much as they do.

The etymology of the word “Forgive” tells of a concept that has the same roots as that of giving away a bride. It represents the letting go of anger and resentment. The complete letting go of them.

There is an unanswered question the arises when I decide to give away my anger and resentment. “Who am I giving them to?” After all, if I have not given them away to someone, I can claim a loophole in the process and take them right back. “Oh, I forgave you; but now I’m unforgiving you.”

This can be especially tempting when I have held anger and resentments close to my heart for long periods of time. As my grip around them tightens, I begin to draw comfort and security from them. Of course doing so tends to strangle my spirit, because holding anger and resentment can become a full time job. It’s hard to grasp any joy or peace when my hands are clenched so tightly around anger and resentment.

My solution to this dilemma is simple. Probably too simple for some… when I need to give away anger and resentments, I give them to God. It’s a little trick I learned while working Step Three for the first time. When I pray for Him to take my will and my life, I am, in a very real sense, offering up everything I have to God. My joy – God’s. My love – God’s. Anger and resentment – those are God’s too. They all become God’s to do with as He pleases.

That is where the miracle happens. Anything positive or good that I give to God eventually finds its way back to me. A gift from God, made even better while in His care. Anything negative given to God I can count on Him to keep. God never throws anger or resentments back at me, telling me to deal with them. Instead, He always takes them on a permanent basis.

Just as our friend’s parents may still fret from time to time about their daughter’s wellbeing, there will be times that I will look back on those past sources of anger and resentments. When I do, I can lean on the fact that I have practiced forgiveness. I’ve given the situation to God, and I don’t need to fret over it anymore.

Have a remarkable day!

Honesty and a Collect Call to Grandpa

“Grandpa, I got caught out after curfew with some other kids. Mrs. Carter has asked each of us to call home, confess to what happened, and get our parents’ permission to stay on our trip. Can you talk to her please?”

You want to talk about embarrassment. It was our first night in Quebec City, and I had been in the hall with my two roommates for the trip. Mrs. Carter, our French teacher, had warned us how serious curfew was; and the three of us were about to find out.

The reality was that there were some mitigating circumstances involved in our journey outside our hotel room. However, the greater reality was that we had broken the rules and we knew it. I knew I was in trouble when Mrs. Carter told us to call our parents because mine were in California for the week. Reaching them, back in the stone ages before cell phones, would be impossible.

Thankfully, getting the “OK” to stay from a grandparent was going to satisfy Mrs. Carter’s condition for staying. Grandpa chuckled when I told him why I was calling. He vouched for me, assuring my French teacher that she could count on me to obey the rules for the remainder of the trip.

None of us was sent home for our infraction of the rules. That in itself was great news. Better, though, was the fact that Mrs. Carter never brought that night up again. She never held it against us, or treated us differently. We had been honest about our actions with an adult member of our family, and that had been all she would require of us.

Just as important as the fact that I got to stay for the remainder of that spring break trip was the fact that I was able to enjoy it. I didn’t have to live in the shadow of breaking curfew. I didn’t have to live in the shadow of Mrs. Carter’s disappointment or anger. Even in the coming years, when the story would come up in conversation with Grandpa, he would still chuckle.

Drawing a parallel between breaking curfew on a student trip, and coming clean about my drug abuse, may seem like a stretch. Sure, the consequences were far greater. There is no denying that fact. However, the role honesty plays in life remains the same.

By being honest, instead of denying the truth, I was able to begin the healing process. The first honesty came in the form of coming to terms with the fact that I’m a drug addict. Following that admission, honesty about how drug abuse had affected every aspect of my life, my powerlessness over the drugs, and the character defects at the root of my drug abuse were vital to my recovery. They remain vital even today.

There is another sort of honesty that is just as important to share with other addicts. When I share in meetings, I try to focus on how great life can be for the recovering addict. We all know the dumpster fire the drugs started in our lives. What we need to hear, is the honest truth of how life can be once the flames of addiction have been doused.

So, when I share, I talk about the forgiveness I’ve found, relationships that have been restored, and the beautiful life I have today. I share honestly about how happily married I am, and about how I’ve even seen my dreams for my career come true. I’m honest about those areas of life that remain broken due to my addiction and the person it made me; but I also share honestly about the hope I have for restoration in those areas.

Instead of my grandpa interceding on my behalf, this time it is God. As I pray that He would take my will and my life, I open the channel for Him to change me. By some miracle, the more honest I am, the greater the change that is made. The journey gets better with every bit of honesty I practice.

Have a remarkable day!

Unconditional Love and Free Dad Hugs

Last Sunday, I was asked to share about something with the students in Shaun’s youth group at church. Mark, the youth pastor, had asked if I would explain why I wear a couple of different shirts that say “Free Dad Hugs.”

The shirts are designed to be worn at Pride events that take place each June. There are “Free Mom Hugs” shirts too. The idea is that we want to, as parents, offer hugs to people who all too often have been rejected by family members because of their sexual orientation.

I wear mine all throughout the year. My thought is that offering hugs to those who may need them only one month out of the year is not enough. Sometimes I receive sideways glances from others for wearing these shirts. More often, however, I’m greeted with a smile and a “Thank you.” In fact, Sunday afternoon as I traveled, a young lady even bought me a cup of coffee at a convenience store to thank me.

Back to Shaun’s youth group, I went on to explain that, in addition to these reasons, I wear that shirt, and offer hugs to others because one of my grown children. They prefer to go by the name Avril these days, and I honor that wish to the best of my ability. I can still get the wrong pronoun from time to time, and catch myself calling them by their given name.

Anyway, because of the way I treated them and their mother, especially during my time in active addiction, Avril and I do not have a relationship today. It’s coming up on seven years since they asked me to never contact them again, and I’ve honored that request.

After explaining this to Shaun’s peers, I told them that I hope somewhere out there is a dad wearing a similar shirt, and that Avril gets the hugs from another dad that I can’t give.

I recognize the power of unconditional love. The kind of love that offers a hug to a stranger. The love a parent has for their child. It doesn’t go away because of circumstance. It does not grow weaker because another child is added to the fold.

Today is my younger son’s birthday. Shaun turns 15 today. Wow, can that really be true? I can’t wait to get home to wish him happy birthday, and give him a hug. Because of recovery, I’ve been given another chance to be a dad. A chance to show a child the kind of unconditional love God has shown me. It’s a love I’ll share with anyone who needs a hug.

Have a remarkable day!

Humility and a Fresh New Look

Yesterday there was a crew sealing the asphalt parking lot of the hotel I’m staying at this week. One fellow was operating a powerful leaf blower, removing debris from the existing surface. Another operated a machine that filled in cracks with a heavy substance designed to prevent weeds from popping through. Still another was feeding the line from the pump truck to the fellow holding the long wand with which the sealant is applied.

As the fellow holding the wand moved from place to place, spraying the black tar-like sealant, the asphalt appeared to be made like new. Sure, there was the occasional leaf that had been missed. I’m guessing there were some cracks that were missed too. For the most part, however, the crew did a great job. A finished version of their handiwork was visible on the opposite side of the hotel, where freshly painted lines had been added.

My hunch is that by the time I arrive back here this afternoon the parking lot will look brand new. A look that will last for a few years, after which the process will have to be repeated. After all, that asphalt sealant is temporary in nature. It looks great for a time. It prevents pesky weeds from poking through for a while. It is a change, however, that lasts only so long.

The message of recovery is that an addict, any addict, can stop using, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live. Additionally, Step Twelve assures us that by the time we have worked the previous eleven steps with our sponsor, we will have experienced a spiritual awakening. These are some truly life-changing events that take place in my life as I learn to seek God’s will for my life and the power to carry it out.

There is a caveat to the way in which that new way of life and spiritual awakening work in life. That caveat is me. It was my second Twelve Step meeting where I first introduced myself as a drug addict. Since then, every time I’ve been given the opportunity to introduce myself at meetings, I reiterate the fact that I am an addict. There is, after all, no cure yet available for the disease of addiction.

So, in a sense, I am like this hotel’s parking lot. The relief I have found, along with the new way of life I enjoy, is not meant to last forever. It requires regular maintenance, and that’s sometimes a bitter pill to swallow. Bitter because I want to be healed. I want the world to look at me and see a “Former addict.”

Humility plays a key role in my ability to embrace the fact that I am a “Recovering addict.” I’m not fixed. I’m not a “Whole new person.” I’m still a drug addict. So, each day, I ask God to take my will and my life. To guide me in my recovery, and to show me how to live. As long as I do that, I remain confident that the new way of life I have found will last.

Have a remarkable day!

Kindness is Imperative

Yesterday, we received our first purchase order from a new customer. While that is always a good day, with this customer, it was an exceptional day. Exceptional, because I have been working on this bit of business off and on for over four years now.

We got really close four years ago. We sent them a couple thousand dollars worth of product to test. Product that sat in the corner, gathering dust until it’s shelf life had passed.

Talk about frustrating! I would call, send emails, drop in unexpected… nothing worked. I had been completely ghosted. Adding to my frustration, every three months or so, someone would ask me what was happening with the account. A reasonable question, given that we had made a significant up-front investment in seeking their business. Still though, it was one of those questions that left me feeling somehow inadequate.

“I cannot get them to respond.” That never seems like a satisfactory reply. Any pressure I might have felt from my superiors at work was nothing compared to the pressure I put on myself. I mean, I’m really good at my job. Seldom do I get completely shot down, and yet, there I was, crashing like a lead Zeppelin.

One thing I try always to do, regardless of how I might feel in such situations, is treat the people I work with with kindness and respect. Every voicemail, email, and personal visit was carried out with a smile. I refused to let any pressure, whether from outside or from within, change the way I acted toward my contacts at this company. I kept my frustration to myself.

Then, back in June I got the call. A request for more information. Meetings took place. More free product was sent. A test was sure to come! Then nothing… ghosted again. Ghosted for two whole months. Life seemed to be repeating itself, and I so wanted to set aside that kindness and respect. I wanted to, but I didn’t; because that’s not who I am.

In recovery, kindness and respect are every bit as important as they are in the business world. As frustrated as I was knowing that my product would help make life better for the customer from my story, it pales in comparison to the frustration of knowing the freedom a fellow addict can find from active addiction. Yet, so often, someone who seems so excited in the beginning, falls back into drug abuse.

You want to talk about ghosting. No one can ghost a person better than a drug addict. Although there is no pressure placed on me when an addict goes back to using, there is often heartache. Just knowing how many of us go back out, never to return, weighs heavily on my heart. It absolutely makes me want to turn a cold shoulder toward such folks.

Thankfully, today I know better, and can do better. Kindness, expressed toward anyone who walks through the doors of recovery, can make all the difference in the world. It can literally be the difference between life and death.

Today, my prayer is that God will bring people back into my life to whom I can show kindness. People like Ed, Guy, and Lamar; for whom my heart aches. Lord, I pray for the chance to be kind to them, and to so many others. Let my kindness help those around me to…

Have a remarkable day!

Commitment – Payment is Due

Boy, did I ever pick the right convenience store! I had pulled off the highway to get gas, and as I pulled into the store’s parking lot, I saw it. A man was hurriedly tossing tires and wheels into a van from a local tire shop.

It was not until I had finished pumping gas that I realized what had happened. Here sat a little red SUV on four concrete blocks. That fellow from the tire shop was not offering some kind of service. He was repossessing those tires and wheels.

It became clear that the owner of that SUV had invested in some of those oversized wheels to spruce up their vehicle. The only problem was that they apparently had purchased them on some sort of payment plan. A plan that had seemingly been ignored by the owner of that SUV.

One of the first things I was told in my earliest days of recovery was, “You never have to use again, even if you want to.” Then I started hearing about a new way of life, and some sort of spiritual awakening. All of these parts of recovery appealed to me. Like fancy wheels and tires for a vehicle, I knew my life needed some sprucing up, so I dove into the process.

Also like those wheels and tires, though, there come days when payments must be made. In recovery’s case, the payments are not cash. Instead, they come in the form of suggestions recommended for every recovering addict to heed daily: attend meetings, read literature, pray & meditate, work the Twelve Steps with a sponsor, and don’t pick up, just for today.

The trouble is that so many of us like how the shiny wheels of recovery make our lives look, but we don’t like making those pesky payments. “Meeting? I just don’t have time anymore.” Similar excuses can be found for each suggestion. For me, the excuses covered two suggestions. “Our literature is boring and poorly written. Read it again? NO THANK YOU!” Then there was step work, “I’ve worked them once. Now I’m investing my time in writing. That’s my personal version of step work. I’ll be just fine.”

I’m glad my recovery didn’t get repossessed during that era. Looking back, however, I know it could have been. Like that SUV parked out in front of the convenience store for all the world to see (Including Mr. Wheel and Tire), neglecting my recurring payments to recovery left me vulnerable. It would have been much too easy for me to have sacrificed my recovery because I was unwilling to pay its price.

Thankfully, I eventually began making those daily payments to my recovery. The literature is still poorly written and dull; but if I read carefully, I can see past its faults and find bits of wisdom in its pages. Step work, I discovered, did not have to replace my writing. Instead, I have incorporated it into my morning routine. Just answering four little questions a day helps keep me on track, experiencing regular growth.

If all I need to do to keep my life from being propped up on concrete blocks is to follow the five suggestions, then count me in! When I keep theses commitments, I find that God’s will becomes attractive. Instead of acting out on character defects, I can apply spiritual principles. My life is made new each day.

Have a remarkable day!

Acceptance and Learning to Sleep in the Bed I’ve Made

Yesterday afternoon, I left home to drive to Cape Girardeau, Missouri. I am here to meet with a co-worker this morning, and made the trip on a Sunday afternoon because it was the only time that would fit into my calendar.

The trip over took the better part of seven hours. Not bad, except for the fact that today I need to turn back around, and make the drive back home. That way I can catch a morning flight out of Tulsa for an event I’m attending in Ohio the rest of the week.

My body does not want to make the drive today. Even though I drive a comfortable car, another seven hours behind the wheel is far from enticing. It would be so much better to just hang out here, allowing myself to catch my breath, and then drive home…

Oh, wait. There it is again. That calendar of mine. There to remind me that, like it or not, I am here, and tomorrow morning, I need to be there. Even worse, that calendar is completely of my own making. This week was planned by me, not by someone else. Thus, I find myself in the proverbial bed that I’ve made. Now, I have to sleep in it.

One of the very first principles that I had to learn about when I first began my journey to recovery from drug addiction was acceptance. It is a principle that I find comes in stages. Like this morning’s acceptance over my starting point for the week, I first had to accept the reality of where I was. My drug abuse had infected every area of my life, and like it or not, that was my starting point.

As if that were not enough, I soon had to come to another level of acceptance. Again, as with this morning’s starting point, I had no one else to blame but me. That was the truly difficult bit of acceptance I had to practice. I wanted so desperately to blame someone else for my drug abuse. No matter what direction I pointed my finger of blame, I had three others pointing right back at me.

I’m grateful for the lessons I have learned in recovery. Those lessons have applications in just about every area of life. Lessons that have helped renew my spirit; and lessons that will encourage me as I make the drive back home.

Have a remarkable day!

Self-Discipline – the Fuel Behind Decisionmaking

What’s keeping me up at night? What’s so pressing on my mind that I cannot fall asleep? Is there something in the back of my mind that gnaws at me regularly, doing its best to rob me of my serenity?

In fourth grade, that one thing was my desk. Oh boy was it a mess. It was one of those desks with the pop-up top. In it were my books, note paper, pencils, and other school supplies. Our teacher, Miss DeYoung, liked to do surprise inspections of her students’ desks to be sure we were keeping them neat and organized. Mine was anything but; and it kept me up at night, worrying that I would be found out as a student with a messy desk.

That kind of messiness, where my desk is concerned, has always been an issue for me. So, a few weeks ago, when Amanda and Shaun surprised me with new office furniture, I decided it was time for a change. It was time to stop living with a messy desk, and give myself the gift of a tidy workspace.

I’m happy to report that I have been successful in keeping my desk neat and tidy since then. The last thing I do each day is to carefully gather any of the day’s work that is yet to be completed, and put it away where it belongs. There are no random pens or paper clips left out. Even my coffee cups or drinking glasses get cleared away.

Is this what winning feels like???

There is a saying among recovering drug addicts that says when the pain of staying the same becomes too great we will change. It has been my experience that this statement holds true for most of us. We kept on using drugs until that point at which the pain was simply too great to continue.

One of the beautiful parts of recovery is that I no longer need to wait for pain to become unbearable before choosing to change. My desk is a handy example of this fact. Unlike fourth grade, nobody was going to do a surprise inspection of my desk to see if it was organized. Miss DeYoung was not going to magically appear, asking me to open the drawers for inspection.

Instead, I just decided it was time for a change. Wow, talk about two powerful and beautiful words – “I decided.” It was not the drugs deciding for me. Nor was it judge or prison guard (though I’m personally not familiar with what that feels like, most of my peers in recovery know it all too well. If I had continued on the path I was on in my active addiction, I’d have eventually come to know it too, I’m sure).

Of course, a decision is a pretty useless thing without corresponding action. Self-discipline is the fuel that drives my actions. My daily routine of tidying up my desk only happens because I choose to make it happen. Even though by now, doing so has become a habit, it would be all too easy to backslide on my commitment to keeping a clean desk. So, there will always be an element of self-discipline involved in the process.

I’m grateful for the office furniture Shaun and Amanda surprised me with. It was a thoughtful and timely gift. It is a good metaphor for the gift of recovery. When I was drowning in my addiction, this simple set of principles that are designed to help me live in God’s will rather than my own, saved me from myself.

Have a remarkable day!