Sharing and Caring Instead of Secretly Obsessing

Yesterday morning, after I finished my time of prayer and meditation, I briefly turned my attention to our pool. Shaun and I had spent the better part of Saturday morning opening the pool for the season; and yesterday I wanted to backwash the filter again to help clear debris it had caught overnight.

Everything was just fine until I started the pump back up to begin filtering water again. That was when the filter made a loud popping sound. A large fisher opened up in the side of the filtration unit, and water was spraying everywhere.

“Oh, that’s not good.” That was all I could say, as I reached up to flip the switch to turn it back off. Slowly, the water drained out of the filter housing, soaking my feet in the process.

Since it was Mother’s Day, I didn’t want to burden Amanda with the bad news about the pool filter first thing. So, first Shaun and I presented her with her gifts, and got ready for church. I didn’t want to tell her until we were in the car. That way it wouldn’t interrupt the process of getting ready to head out the door. We were talking about other things along the way, so I didn’t mention it then either.

Finally, as we were rolling through the church parking lot, I mentioned the pool filter. I described what had happened, and how much it would likely cost to replace, and Amanda, who manages our household budget, assured me it was no big deal. She had plenty of money set aside for such things.

Only then did I realize that the repairs would be covered by our home warranty. A few extra dollars a month to cover the pool and its accessories came to the rescue! Our out-of-pocket for the repairs would only be $100.

Here’s the thing, though… I only thought about the home warranty after sharing about the problem with Amanda. Before then, my mind was totally consumed with breaking the news to her, and fixing the problem on my own. What I should have been focusing on is the fact that she and I are partners in life, and she is more than willing to share the burden of such problems.

That is one of the aspects of practicing sharing and caring that I can easily miss out on if I’m not careful. I am much too quick to keep bad news hidden from others, and when I do, I ignore the fact that there are others who are willing and able to help me because they care. Then, matters are only compounded as I become so obsessed with the secret of the problem that my mind cannot clearly focus on the solution.

I’m grateful for the growth I’ve experienced in this area. I know I still have work to do; but little lessons like yesterday’s remind me that when I share my burdens with the people who love me, it indicates that I truly care about finding a solution.

Have a remarkable day!

Sharing and Caring Like a Mother

Mother’s Day, 2024. I wasn’t sure how I would feel when today came, because it is the first Mother’s Day without Mom.

Part of me thinks that it would have been a more appropriate day on which to draw a spiritual principle such as love, or acceptance. Even powerlessness would have been, in some ways, an appropriate principle for the day. Sharing and caring, on the other hand, would have been somewhere near the bottom of my list.

So, in a way, it’s not at all surprising that sharing and caring would rise to the top for me today. Life has, after all, given me ample opportunity to see over the past several years, that my plans or lists are much less important than God’s.

Sitting here on our back porch, I have been watching birds flitter about. The small bird house attached to the porch has its first nest of baby sparrows for the year. They are making a real racket, calling out for food. Then, when their mother comes back with food, their cries become even louder, as they anticipate the meal she has brought to share with them. Things grow quiet when they finally have whatever food she has brought in their tiny mouths.

There are also three blue jays flying around back here. I’ve been watching them as they have been gathering small twigs. Apparently, their nest-building activities are less urgent than those of the sparrows. They’ve waited pretty late into spring to be fortifying nests. Nests that are for their children as much as they are for themselves.

These bird moms are sharing their food, time, and energy in the raising of their young. I could fill volumes with the memories I have of my own mother doing much the same.

I don’t know if sparrows or blue jays take satisfaction in seeing their children leave the nest, going on to thrive on their own. My hunch is that the challenges of nature prevent mother birds from experiencing such feelings. After all, their brains are wired for survival, and their sacrifices are the result of that wiring.

Mom, on the other hand, found both comfort and satisfaction in seeing my brother John and me go on to experience lives of meaning and fulfillment. Like many of my fellow recovering addicts, I am grateful for the fact that my parents both got to see me thriving. Addiction robs so many parents of that experience, and was well on its way of doing the same to mine.

Instead, the Twelve Steps became the vehicle through which positive change came into my life. Mom got to see that change for a little over seven years, and Dad still gets to witness it. So, as I meditate this morning on the principle of sharing and caring, I find reason to celebrate, even in the face of sadness. Help me, Lord, to share with and care for others, the way Mom taught me.

Have a remarkable day!

Sharing and Caring, No Matter the Audience

In a few hours, I will be giving a presentation at work. In it, I will cover the basics regarding my team, and how we are doing so far this year. I’ll tell stories of the work we have done. Some of the challenges we have faced, and what we have done together to meet those challenges.

I’ll talk about where we are today. How our sales numbers look. How our efforts thus far this year have brought us to where we are. Then, I’ll talk about the future. I’ll talk about the fact that even though today looks less than perfect, I can still see bright skies in our forecast.

When I finish my presentation, I’ll be prepared for questions. I’ll do my best to gracefully accept any criticism that may come, as well as any praise or encouragement.

More than anything, for that 20 minutes I’m scheduled to share, my audience will get a clear picture of me, and who I am; and of my team and who they are. When I finish, I want them to be as excited and confident about the direction my team is headed as we are. After all, I represent some very good people when I am standing up there, and I want everyone in the room to be as enthusiastic about the work we do as we are.

The basic format for sharing in today’s meeting follows the same one that I try to follow when asked to share my story in a Twelve Step meeting. I talk about where I’ve been, where I am, and where I’m going. In all of it, I do my best to be an open book. I don’t exaggerate about how good or bad things may be. Nor about how I got to where I am today.

Instead, I share with a purpose. Like today, I want the room of recovering addicts with whom I am sharing to be as enthusiastic about life as I am. It is my deepest desire when I share that they would understand that they never have to use drugs again; even if they want to. I will plead with them to expect great things out of life, and to never settle. If things are not getting better for them, I suggest they try something different; because I am convinced that life in recovery equals a life that consistently gets better.

That is how I practice sharing and caring.

Have a remarkable day!

Sharing and Caring, and Finding My Flock

A lone goose just flew over our backyard. It was barely clearing the trees as its wings flapped violently in a fight against gravity. From its northeasterly bearing, I would guess it was headed for the small lake just beyond our neighborhood. All the while, it was honking frantically, calling out to others from its flock, I suppose.

Had it been forced to stop somewhere along the way? Or was it somehow caught off guard by winds that blew it the wrong direction? A wildlife expert might be able to tell me why it was alone and crying out as it charged toward water. I’m no expert, so I’m left to wonder how it came to be alone in a world where geese are expected to gather together.

I would like to think that as it approached the lake, other geese called back; letting their lost companion know that they were there. If geese had emotions, both the lone goose and the flock it had lost would be rejoicing at the sound as it splashed to a landing in the water.

For the lone goose, its most urgent message was “I’m here! I’m here! Please don’t leave without me!.” The flock, on the other hand, had a different message. “We are here. Come join us. It’s so wonderful to see you again. We thought you were lost for good.”

I like to think that as I meditate each morning on my spiritual principle of the day, God provides me with inspiration. That’s why, on mornings like this one, I am content to sit here, patiently waiting. Sometimes, I’ll sit for as long as an hour, allowing myself to be still.

This morning, I was thinking about the various messages I carry to the world around me. Then, I thought of the most important message I am able to share with another person – “God loves you!”

That’s when the goose flew by, urgently calling out to others.

Every recovering drug addict can relate to that lone goose. Each of us has had that moment, or sometimes many moments, when we have felt so alone in the world. For some, that cry for help begins with a mugshot and time spent in county jail. For others, it begins with an overdose, and learning that they have flat-lined; again.

My cry for help came when I realized how the drugs had turned me into someone I hated. A cheater, a liar, a manipulator, and someone barely recognizable to those around me. In the midst of my tears, I discovered my flock. Other addicts who had cried out before me and who had found one another.

Once I became part of the flock, my message changed. I began welcoming others to recovery. “We are here. Come join us. It’s so wonderful to see you. We thought you were lost.“. Each of these is important enough; yet each falls short of the most important message of all.

That most important message of all came to me as I worked my way through the Twelve Steps with my sponsor. It is a message that continues as I work the steps, and do my utmost to seek and follow God’s will for my life. God loves me. He loves me too much to leave me on my own. He loved me even when I thought He never would.

I’m so grateful for the opportunity to share and care the message of hope offered by recovery. It is such a powerful message that even those who don’t believe in God at all, come to acknowledge that a Power greater than themselves can guide them in their recovery, and show them how to live.

Thank you God, for letting me experience the loneliness of being a goose separated from its flock. Without that, I might never have come to appreciate just how good it is to be reunited with people I love, and with You.

Have a remarkable day!

Sharing and Caring – The Abraham Paradigm Shift

My all-time favorite sandwich is one that I would make the day after Thanksgiving. I would place leftovers sliced turkey on a nice piece of bread, along with lettuce and tomatoes, and my special topping. The topping was prepared by mixing mayonnaise with leftover cranberries.

A few years ago, I began to see this mixture showing up in restaurants, but for the time in between, most folks were not convinced that this combination of mayo and cranberries could be tasty. I received a lot of skeptical looks when I mixed them together. I guess the world has caught up with me on that one!

It is common to discover that things go together late in life. Sharing and caring is one such combination.

My wife Amanda was the first to help me understand the power of this combination. When she would hear a parent insisting that their child must share a toy with Shaun, she would politely correct the other parent. “He doesn’t have to share.” She knew that Shaun’s sudden interest had been spawned by the other child’s decision to play with the toy. By forcing the first child to share, a message was sent that he was less important than Shaun. That his needs should always come second.

Enter Caring…

When my nephew, Abraham, was somewhere around five years old, our families were having dinner together at a restaurant with a buffet. Shaun’s favorite, fried chicken, was always on the buffet. He came back to our table broken-hearted because they had run out of legs, his number one favorite.

When he sat down beside Abraham, his cousin became aware of Shaun’s dilemma. Without a thought, Abraham gave his chicken leg to Shaun. There was no prompting. No demand from Abraham’s parents that he must share. Instead, his act of sharing was inspired by the fact that he cared about Shaun. Even at that young age, Abraham had been taught to care about others, and sharing was a natural result.

This model changes the verbiage of this principle slightly to “Sharing with Caring.” Just as my infamous mixture of mayonnaise and cranberries was a paradigm shift in condiments, coming to believe that sharing must be the result of caring will make some uncomfortable. Yet, it has been my experience that forcing a child to share only breeds resentment. In fact, it breeds resentment in adults, too.

So, today as I practice Sharing and Caring, I will think of Abraham. I will do my best to be like him. To share with others because I care about others. I know that doing so will allow me to share with a heart that is pure, free of even a hint of resentment.

Have a remarkable day!

Sharing and Caring without the Long Con

For years now, television viewing in our home has been limited to what we are able to watch on various streaming services. If a service offers a commercial free option, we pay the extra price to avoid being interrupted by ads for everything from toilet paper to new cars and trucks.

Because of this, the only commercials I see these days are usually in hotel lobbies as The Weather Channel loops through its stories for the day, interrupted by ads. Interestingly, however, is the fact that I do not avoid the effects of those ads. For instance, I just caught an ad on the hotel lobby tv for a Charmin wipe. The tagline was “Enjoy the Go.”

Suddenly I realized why the equivalent of baby wipes have been making their way into the toilet paper section at the store. I guess Mr. Whipped lied to us all back in the 1960’s and 70’s when he told us all that simply squeezing the Charmin was enough.

Likewise, I remember a trend that began a decade or so ago. Back when I was still watching commercial tv on a regular basis, major laundry detergent brands suddenly informed us that the fresh scents they added to the detergent were bad. Bold letters on laundry detergent containers exclaimed “Scent Free,” and we were all told to rejoice.

Then, a few years ago, I noticed scent beads showing up on the shelves. It turned out that those same companies that were had once touted their “Scent Free” detergent were now selling scented beads for $10 a bottle. It was a very long con, one that somehow convinced us to pay extra for something that had once been free.

Given examples such as these, it’s little wonder that so many drug addicts, having reached the end of their road, find it difficult to accept us when we tell them about the new way of life we’ve found in recovery. We’ve become a society of skeptics, wondering when the other shoe will drop, and we’ll be sold a bill of goods, like adding the scent back into the laundry.

That is part of the reason why the practice of sharing and caring is important. When I share, whether it is in a Twelve Step meeting, or here in my personal thoughts turned blog, I do so with the understanding that there will likely be some skeptics in the room. People who, like me when I was new to recovery, had a difficult time believing that something so simple could help keep me clean. Not only that, but do so at such a low low price.

“You mean all I have to do is drop a dollar or two in the basket when it gets passed around? There’s no elaborate money-making scheme or cult-like obligations to be met? I just have to keep coming back?

“Riiiiiiiiiiiight.”

Crazy as it sounds, it’s true. There are no moist towelettes or scent beads in recovery. There’s no long con. Recovery is not just free, it’s also just a set of principles, written so simply that we can follow them in our everyday lives. So, for the skeptics out there, I’ll continue to practice sharing and caring.

Have a remarkable day!

Sharing and Caring in Little Chunks

For a few dollars each, Amanda bought both Shaun and me a plastic bag filled with sand and rock. Well, at least that was what it looked like from the outside. In reality, each bag had been seeded with various types of minerals and crystals. Things that would be revealed in the water that ran through a series of wooden channels outside the gift shop.

Along with the bags came a card that helped identify each of the things we discovered. There were amethysts, pyrite (fool’s gold), and various types of quartz. There was one that I did not recognize. It was semi-transparent, yet milky white. With its four flat sides, it looked too uniform to be natural, and yet I assumed it must be.

I showed it to Amanda and Shaun, and after they had admired it for a few moments, I told them I knew what I was going to do with that particular stone. I was going to give it to our friend Chris. He’s a friend in recovery who at most meetings will have at least one type of stone or crystal on the table in front of him.

My knowledge of any sort of healing powers crystals may have is nil. It’s never been part of my belief system, and so I only know as much about the topic as I do about the mechanical workings of the iPad I’m currently typing away at. What I do know is that Chris is one of the most peaceful and caring individuals I’ve ever met. If there is were a spokesperson for the healing power of crystals, it would be Chris.

So, the first Twelve Step meeting we attended after coming back from vacation, I had Chris’ crystal in my pocket. I presented it to him on the way in from the parking lot. He looked at it and said, “Oh, selenite. I’ve needed one of these. It cleanses other crystals, helping restore their power.”

Who knew?

Well, Chris sure did; and from his reaction to this little gift, I could tell he appreciated the gesture.

That little chunk of selenite reminds me that when it comes to practicing sharing and caring, I do not need to hold back, waiting until I can offer some grand gesture to demonstrate my feelings toward another person. Whether it is love, friendship, respect, or even simple compassion, sharing and caring in even small chunks can make a difference. One that like selenite, can bring cleansing to the spirit.

I have experienced a cleansing of my spirit through working the Twelve Steps with my sponsor, prayer and meditation, regular meeting attendance, and the application of spiritual principles in my life. These are all things that bring me closer to God. The recovery process has been like selenite for my soul, making sharing and caring possible once again.

God, thank you for bringing my friend Chris into my life; and for reminding me that even small gestures have significance. Help me to remain mindful of that as I practice sharing and caring today. Even if I only do so in small chunks.

Have a remarkable day!

Sharing and Caring – The Power of Owning My Stuff

Being in Wichita is nothing unusual for me. Being here on a Sunday morning, and having Amanda and Shaun with me is. We all came here because I was asked to speak at a recovery event here last night.

When I asked the coordinator of the event if there was a particular theme or topic, he asked me to simply tell my story. So, that was what I was determined to do. I told my story. Based on the responses from the other addicts in the room, my story was well received.

Perhaps the most encouraging comment I received was from a fellow named Joe. I’d never seen Joe before, but it’s recovery, so when he came up to greet me after I had shared, we gave each other a big hug. He went on to joke, “You know how much our stories have in common? Nothing at all! Thank you for sharing though. It really spoke to me.”

Even Amanda, who has heard me share my story on several occasions, enthusiastically noted that last night was different. My timing was spot on. The humor I injected into the story drew laughter. I seemed comfortable, more comfortable than before.

This morning, when I drew “Sharing and Caring” as my spiritual principle of the day, I knew it was a perfect opportunity for reflection. I quickly thought of advice I received from a business colleague several years ago. I had confided in him about my journey through addiction and into recovery. Confided about my struggles with imposter syndrome when in the presence of my peers at work.

“Just own that stuff. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.” So I did. I shared with the rest of my team about my past struggles with drug abuse, and my recovery. Instead of being shunned, I found encouragement.

In recovery, instead of imposter syndrome, I have had a struggle with survivor’s guilt. It is a form of guilt that comes from never having experienced true homelessness. I’ve never slept under a bridge or in a shelter. I’ve never been arrested or incarcerated.

Instead, I came into the rooms of recovery with my career in tact. With the support and encouragement of my family. With a college degree already in hand. Such things had always made me feel guilt, because they had given me a head-start in being able to find a new way of living.

Last night, though, I owned that stuff. All of it. I even owned the recent promotion I received at work. I shared openly and honestly about the impact that the Twelve Steps and fellowship with other recovering addicts have had on me. I gave credit to God for revealing His will for my life and providing the power to live within it, as long as I am humble enough to ask.

I owned it all, and it felt so good.

I finished last night saying that my life shows that the disease of addiction does not discriminate. More importantly, I went on to share that neither does recovery. Our stories may be very different, but our lives share so much in common.

So, this morning I am filled with gratitude. Because I was willing to own my stuff, truly practicing the principle of sharing and caring, last night I found a new level of freedom in my recovery.

Have a remarkable day!

Sharing and Caring – How to Survive Dark Saturdays

Sharise, who is married to Amanda’s brother EJ, has an interesting approach to reading novels. She likes to read the last chapter, to discover the end of the story first. Only then, after reading how the story ends, does she decide whether or not she wants to read the rest of the story.

Though I politely used the word “Interesting” to describe this habit, everyone knows, including you, Sharise, that this is just plain WEIRD!

Or is it? Don’t we all, deep down inside, thirst for knowing how the story will turn out? I know I do. I especially want to know when I’m in the midst of some struggle or challenge to the status quo. It is easy for me, either in my mind’s eye, or with words spoken aloud, to plead with God to let me see the end of the story. “What are you doing here God? What is Your plan? What is your purpose? Will I even survive???”

In the Christian faith, this is one of those days of darkness. An entire day spent, knowing that Jesus has been put in a tomb. Despite the fact that we are all like Sharise today, and already know that tomorrow, on Easter Sunday, we will celebrate Christ’s resurrection, we are meant to spend this day asking God those tough questions.

I’ve been around folks who seem convinced that posing questions to God is wrong. With each question I posed, they back a bit further from our relationship, convinced that lightning is going to strike the “Heathen who dares to question God.”

Yet God does not send lightning. When Abraham questioned how God would make him the father of many nations, when he had no children of his own, God sent him a son. When Moses questioned how, with his poor public speaking abilities, he was supposed to lead an entire nation out of slavery, God parted the sea. There are plenty of other examples of people who question God, and get away with it!

Soon, it will have been seven years since my very first Twelve Step meeting. My addiction was still a secret to all of the people in my normal life at the time. Only after collecting a white key tag or two did I decide to share the real reason for the wreck my life had become.

Then, in a terrible turn of events, the real dumpster fire began. Instead of getting any better, my life seemed to grow worse by the day after my decision to pursue recovery. Every day was like the Saturday before Easter. I could see no way out, or through the mess I was in. You can bet I had questions-a-plenty for God. Questions asked through tears and shaken fists.

It was then, in the darkness of all those dark Saturdays in a row, that God sent some folks who were like Sharise into my life. People like Amanda, and Dwight, and Steve; who had seen my story play out in the lives of plenty of other addicts. People like Robert and Danny who encouraged and challenged me through all those tears and shaken fists.

My new friends in recovery knew that, if I would follow five simple suggestions, my Easter Sunday would come. They encouraged me to attend meetings, read recovery literature, pray and meditate, work the Twelve Steps with a sponsor, and don’t pick up, just for today, no matter what; my life would improve. I would find the freedom from active addiction that they had found.

They were as confident in the results of these suggestions as Sharise is of the end of a novel, even when only in the second or third chapter. They shared their confidence with me, because they cared about me. Not because I was or am anyone all that special; but simply because I was and am and addict. Someone just like them, who had shed their own tears, and shaken their own fists.

Today, I can celebrate all of those dark Saturdays I experienced; because I know that my Easter Sunday arrived right on schedule. It motivates me to practice sharing and caring, because I am confident about how the story will end: An addict, any addict, can stop using drugs, lose the desire to use, and find a new way to live.

Have a remarkable day!

Sharing and Caring, and Life’s Defining Moments

Was I in a hurry? Nope. So then, why did I think it was necessary to drive so fast down the one-lane drive that wound its way past our neighbors’ homes back to ours? The reality was, I drove fast because I could. So, I would power my 1973 Monte Carlo down that drive as fast as I could manage, while still maintaining control. Right up until the day one of those neighbors flagged me down.

“Kent, I’ve seen how fast you drive down this driveway. YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN! You know my kids play out here. How would you feel if you hit one of them?” Ron was right, and I knew it. Despite all I had learned in my drivers’ education class, and all the lessons my parents had taught me about driving, I had never taken time to consider the ramifications of speeding my way down that drive.

“I’m sorry sir. I won’t let it happen again.” My apology was not some off-the-cuff response designed to placate my neighbor. Only a couple of summers prior to that encounter, I had worked for that neighbor, babysitting those kids a couple days a week. They were important to me, and the thought of causing them harm left a pit in my stomach. As a result, that confrontation left me feeling both intimidated and ashamed. How could I have been so thoughtless?

There is no telling how many times I drove down that drive in the decades that followed. During that time, instead of his children playing in that yard, Ron’s grandchildren were eventually out there. His words stuck with me, though. I can say with all certainty that I never sped my way down that drive again. Instead, I made a practice of watching for children as I wound my way past our neighbors’ homes. After all, Ron had been right. I’d have never been the same if I had carelessly harmed someone “Just because I could.”

Ron’s willingness to confront me that day became a defining moment in my life. I’ve had a few such moments in my life. Brief confrontations that triggered real change in either my thoughts or my actions.

Unfortunately, I eventually learned the hard way that some defining moments can have the worst of consequences. Almost eight years ago, on the night that I first tried meth, I learned just how devastating such defining moments can be. I refer to it as my “Drug of no choice;” because from that very first night I knew I was hooked. Though I had no way of seeing just how terrible it was going to make my life over the coming months, I knew then that I would continue to seek it out until someone stopped me.

For most addicts, that is pretty much the end of their story. Once one of us discovers that drug of no choice, there is no turning back. Not until we find ourselves at the bitter ends – jails, institutions, or death. The scariest part of that equation is that for most of us who find ourselves in jail, or going through rehab; addiction still wins. The vast majority of us will die in our addiction once it has been unleashed.

In rehab, they told us that only 10% of us would actually succeed in our efforts to stay clean. I was skeptical of that number back then. I thought it was surely too low. Today, I’m convinced that it is too high.

Fortunately, I have experienced defining moments that have led to my recovery. The first came that first night when I met Amanda online, and she shared about her recovery. I had not realized that there was a program specifically designed to help addicts stop using drugs. Another defining moment came when a friend in recovery confronted me about my series of relapses. Like Ron had done so many years before, Danny pulled me aside after a meeting and confronted me directly about the decisions I had been making. “People are counting on you, man. When are you going to get your act together?”

That particular defining moment came at around 8:00 p.m. on December 1, 2016. It was just what I needed to hear to make me realize that I had a decision to make. I could keep using drugs because I could, or I could make the effort to change.

All of those times I drove down that drive after Ron stopped me that day, I had a choice. I could either allow that defining moment to direct my actions, or I could ignore it, and speed past Ron’s house, and his children, once again. The same holds true in my recovery. I can choose to live in light of the defining moments of my recovery, or I can turn back to the darkness of active addiction. That is why I begin each day as I do. I get up early, and make the decision to live within the defining moments of my recovery.

Have a remarkable day!