Selflessness and an Infinite Loop

During my last year in college, I had a job as a clerk at a trade association located with offices on campus. Part of my job was to collect data from our database stored in the university’s mainframe computer. To help me in this task, I was sent to a day long training course so that I could learn how to write the queries necessary in order to access the data.

One of my early attempts at writing a query failed. I hit enter on the computer’s keyboard and nothing happened. So, I went back through my work to find the error and try it again. This time, the information I needed appeared on the screen, so I went on with my work thinking nothing more about it.

This error only became memorable a few weeks later when my boss received the bill for that month’s use of the mainframe. Included on the bill was an $1800 charge for the query I had written that didn’t work. As it turns out, I had created an infinite loop in my query. My little mistake, kept that mainframe busy for 23 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds when the computer automatically stopped it from continuing.

There is an aspect of drug addiction that is similar to the infinite loop I wrote that day. When I use drugs, I get stuck in an infinite loop of self-centeredness. The universe becomes all about me and my pursuit of that next high. Just like that bill we received for my miss use of the mainframe, the self-centeredness of active addiction came at a very high price.

By the time my boss shared that bill with me, he had already negotiated it away with the University. They recognized that it was an honest mistake by someone they had trained, and he had successfully argued that their training must have been incomplete if it left open the opportunity for such a huge mistake.

When the bill came due for the things I had done in my active addiction, there was no negotiating away it’s price. That same self-centeredness made it hard to understand why people could not easily except that I was a “changed man.” In retrospect, it is easy to see why people were so skeptical. However, at the time, it seemed so unreasonable and was the source of much pain.

That self-centered attitude is a big part of why working through the 12 steps with my sponsor became so important. In doing so, I not only was able to see how self-centered I had become; but was also able to begin to break the cycle of self-centeredness in my life. I even became willing to accept that my actions had come with a hefty price tag.

The best way I have found to practice selflessness is through service. Whether I am helping Shaun with his homework, working on a project around the house that Amanda has asked me to finish, or answering a call on the local recovery helpline, being of service helps me to remember that life is not all about me.

Today, I have come to accept the fact that I will never be able to fully cover the cost of my active addiction. However, by practicing selflessness, I can avoid racking up any new charges.

Have a remarkable day!