Awareness and Speed Traps

I used to pass through Gordonville, Missouri regularly. It was located a few miles west of Cape Girardeau, where I lived at the time. There was nothing really in Gordonville back then. Just a few old businesses that had been shuttered long ago, and some older, fairly rundown houses. Just a little dot on the map.

A dot on the map, except, that is for one thing. Or, I should say, except for one person.

Gordonville had a police officer. His squad car was circa 1965. Similar to the one Barney Fife used to drive. He looked old and frail, seated behind the car’s steering wheel, holding his ever-present radar gun. It was old too. It looked like a shoe box with a dinner plate strapped to one end.

Between the car, that officer, and his dilapidated radar gun, Gordonville was one heck of a speed trap.

Fortunately, I was well aware of this speed trap. Before crossing the city limits, traffic on the highway into Gordonville slowed abruptly enough to cause whiplash. It is amazing how fast a car can go from 60 to 25 mph when the driver is properly motivated; and that speed trap offered plenty of motivation! Nobody wanted to be the victim of that officer’s pad of speeding tickets. So, for a quarter mile or so, we all slowed to 25 mph.

In all of my trips through Gordonville, I found that the only time that I risked breaking the speed limit was when mine was the only car on the road. Despite seeing the sign announcing Gordonville’s city limits, and the sign indicating the speed limit, I could easily become distracted, and forget about that old squad car that was sure to be sitting there. Thus, there were plenty of times that I would brake hard just in time to avoid a ticket. I would celebrate my little victory over that speed trap by offering a smile and wave to the officer and his radar gun.

“Let’s go guys.” Amanda began to direct Shaun and me out of the costume section at the Walmart where we had decided to look for costumes for Halloween. She had recognized that I had checked out mentally. I was lost in my thoughts, as well as in bad memories. She knows the symptoms I exhibit when triggered, and spotted them quickly last night as we browsed costumes. So, she hit the brakes on our adventure, and ushered us out of there.

We spent the next few minutes explaining to Shaun what had happened. While there are Walmart stores in town that I can successfully navigate, others can be the source of some pretty harsh anxiety. When I look around, and see people who are obviously strung out, it reminds me of my own trips to Walmart when I was in that condition. Sometimes, I will be aware of my feelings, and be able to take appropriate action to protect my spirit. At other times, times such as last night, those triggers will catch up with me before I know it.

Like that good old speed trap in Gordonville, I risk allowing my spirit to get trapped in those old feelings and emotions. While they may not make me want to use drugs, such feelings and emotions still have the power to send me into a dark place in the back of my mind. A place filled with bad memories of the person I become when I use drugs.

Practicing awareness is vital to avoiding life’s speed traps. When I am alone, I need to be extra cautious, so that speed traps don’t catch me off guard. Sometimes, that heightened state of awareness is difficult to maintain. When we are together, I know I can count on Amanda to help me avoid those speed traps. Like traffic ahead of me when entering Gordonville, she can hit the brakes in time to help me avoid getting caught up in those painful memories.

Avoiding life’s speed traps is one of the reasons that I do my utmost to attend recovery meetings whenever I am traveling. Whereas I used to think it necessary to share at every meeting I attended, these days I am learning to appreciate simply staying focused on others as they share. There is something wonderful, and almost mysterious about the effect others can have on my spirit as they share what is going on in their lives. As other recovering addicts share about the speed traps in their lives, my own awareness is heightened.

Over the course of five years of passing by that speed trap in Gordonville, I never once was caught speeding. There may have been a close call or two; but for the most part, I was always able to give myself plenty of time to slow down, simply by being aware of my surroundings. Likewise, I need never be caught in the speed trap of triggers that bring back those old painful memories. By remaining aware, and surrounding myself with others who share this journey with me, I am able to safely navigate life.

Have a remarkable day!